A Very Personal Post

Sometimes I see an absolutely beautiful girl, in personality and in form, and I think, "maybe I should just give up everything I'm trying, and just settle down and become a 'regular' person, and actively try for a relationship."

Give up what, you might ask? A regular person? That's a horrible thing to say! You're a regular person too!

Well, simply put, I believe that when you're in a relationship, you submit yourself to another person's hopes and dreams, fears and anxieties. While this is true in most close relationships, like platonic friendships, I think being in a romantic relationship amplifies that effect. Perhaps not unduly, either: if you're sharing your life with someone, your decisions and your life's path will greatly affect them.

But everyone has a whole host of fears and anxieties, which tend to manifest in ways which I don't care to be the subject of.

One of my most strongly-held beliefs is that each person has the right to identify, face and overcome their issues on their own terms. I absolutely deplore when one person is bothered by someone's personality flaws, when that issue is not affecting them. More often than not, I ascribe this to empathy gone wrong: the person who is bothered is primarily bothered because that is how they would react if they themselves had the issue. If one cannot accept something in themselves, it tends to manifest itself in judgement.

This is one of my greatest fears in a relationship, because I feel like it restricts the aforementioned right.

But it's deeper than that. It's not merely a belief in a right, but my life's purpose. Let me repeat: my entire life's purpose is to face the problems I've dealt with my whole life and overcome them. Or at least, it has been for the past 5 years. Perhaps it's because I once felt ashamed of them, and the only way to make them go away was to "fix" them. Or maybe it's because these problems have presented obstacles which retard me in exploring my passions.

I "intentionally" (read: by my nature, I found no other choice, but fully embracing the journey consciously) set out on a journey 5 or 6 years ago to "live." I know, it sounds strange, but in many ways, I was deathly afraid of doing just that previously. I can't say I knew what it meant at the time, either. But I knew, abstractly, that I wanted to form more fully. I wanted to encounter more things that would make me question myself. I wanted to face issues head-on, even if some days it would cause me to not want to leave my bed.

Whatever decision I make to attempt to pursue my life's purpose, I don't want it to be a liability in a relationship.

Over the past few years, I've found myself relying more on comparisons to myself than to others to judge my relative progress in my life. Many have said this is the way real progress is made, and I agree. Many things I was once ashamed of I have now worked to accept to some success.

For example, I have never graduated college. I have, in fact, never tried. First, I had nearly completed my computer science A.S. when I found a job doing programming. I decided that, because I wasn't up to the mathematical challenges of computer science, and that my real passions lie in music, that I would begin studying music.

Of course, "studying music" for me means many things. Although I'd played and composed for 10 years, I couldn't sight-read. I had no formal musical vocabulary. So I had to begin at the beginning. And I am very happy and greatly enjoying this journey.

I still have that same job programming, and it allows me great freedom. But I have no external trappings of "success," I don't think. But internally, I gather steam and live a more "complete" life, gaining more knowledge and more maturity each day.

I don't think I was ever ready to move on. Now I understand why: I didn't have the tools. I didn't have the tools to move on from where I was, and if I had moved on from where I was, I wouldn't have had the tools I would have needed to live the rest of my life.

I don't have goals which are similar to common ones (buy a house, have a family, make more money than I did last year; I judge no one who has these goals, though). And of course, because I'm not dedicating my life to some great pursuit (yet, anyway) -- I'm not giving things up in pursuit of a PhD, or living alone in the woods for 5 years to better describe the human condition -- where I am right now in my life can look a bit... silly. As long as I continue moving forward in some way, then I am happy with my progress.

I don't feel like being told that my goals are silly or immature. They're not and I'm not. I don't really feel like being told anything. Call me stubborn, but I've 'walked the walk' in many ways. I don't compromise these beliefs in any serious way, if only because the proclamation of these beliefs follows an instinctual, base reaction.

And now we finally return to the original subject: why I feel a relationship would not allow me to continue to pursue these things.

Well, I should say, it's not quite true that I don't think any relationship would allow it, it's just... most. In my experience, there aren't many understanding people who are capable of putting aside their OWN personal issues to understand, to the best of their abilities, someone like me.

In my view, I reserve the right, always, to turn on a dime to follow some new "answer" to the purpose of my life, whatever that may be. Because at this point in my life, I'm not willing to compromise on finding that answer to placate someone else. Because, I have my whole life ahead of me, and I only get one of those. Just. One. And living one's life is one of the most beautiful evolving pieces of organic machinery.

Perhaps sharing your life with someone else is the ultimate goal of life, you say? One of the "must-see" attractions? Maybe. But to that I say that one cannot travel with someone else until they can travel alone. (And of course, people "travel with" others their whole life -- friend, family, etc. I do not discount help or relationships in living one's life, but just the limitations that tend to be imposed upon you in non-platonic relationship).

I think someone who would accept these things exists, but I consider it unlikely that I will run in to them.

And, perhaps unwisely, I'm concerned about being damaged during the 'finding" process. I know, it's a depressing thought, but one IS affected by experiences like dating, often negatively. How can you not be? You're opening yourself up to other's sensibilities, to other's hopes and dreams about who they would find. I think that telling yourself that you won't be damaged, and that it "all works out" is a rationalization. (Of course, it "working out" and being "for the best" are certainly possibilities -- it's all a matter of what you're willing to sacrifice. I say, though, that for some people, like me, it's an acceptable conclusion to come to, although perhaps not socially so.)

I don't relish the idea of short-term relationships, nor the idea of repeatedly being fit in to someone else's mold.

If I'm going to find someone, they must to fully accept me for me. I won't accept anything less. Ever.

And it's not a struggle to live that. It's easy. It comes naturally to me, as growing comes naturally to a tree.